remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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