He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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