I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
