Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
