You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
