I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
i now understand why vodka
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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