I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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