Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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