i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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