zippers are such a cool invention
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
