I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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