Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
