so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
