My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
