Your tits are I can't wait for
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
