it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
