saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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