the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
