I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
