Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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