I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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