I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
