Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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