"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
