Need sex. Gaining weight.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
