I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
