i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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