Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
