i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
