it was like his penis was on wheels.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
