No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
