I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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