im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
