just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
