I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
