Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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