Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
