it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
