god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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