Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
