I looked at my own cervix.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
