Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
