you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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