The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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