I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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