wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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