Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
sex in a hospital.. check
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Randomize
