mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
