my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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