I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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